190 | Victorious Heart (Part Two) with Kim Peacock

Welcome to episode #190, which is a continuation of my conversation with Kim Peacock.  If you missed last week’s episode, you’ll want to go back and listen to hear the story of her 17-year-old daughter Nicole, who was killed in a horrific ATV accident in 1998.  Kim is the author of the book “Victorious Heart: Finding Hope and Healing After a Devastating Loss” which details her grief journey in the aftermath of that event.  She has a lot of wisdom to share, and I’m so pleased to share the rest of our conversation with you today …

Click HERE to listen to Part One of my conversation with Kim.   

Click HERE to visit Kim's website and blog, "Wild Victorious Heart".

Click HERE for an Amazon link to Kim's book "Victorious Heart: Finding Hope and Healing After a Devastating Loss", available in paperback, on Kindle, and on Audible. 

** IMPORTANT** - All views expressed by guests on this podcast are theirs alone, and may not represent the Statement of Faith and Statement of Beliefs of the While We're Waiting ministry.

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Transcript

Jill
As time goes by and we begin to get our feet under us again after the loss of our child, we can sometimes be caught off guard by grief aftershocks. And you talk about that in your book, also talk about the aftershocks that you experienced and the battle plan you created to deal with them.

Kim
The aftershocks for me was, I would think, like you said, my feet would be on solid ground. And it's like when you go to the beach and you're just floating around in the water and a wave hits you, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, you're spinning and hitting the ground and the sand, and you don't even know which way is up. And so when other things would happen, sometimes they had to do with Nicole. But other deaths close to us, or tragedies, traumas, it would put me back. I would just get so disoriented that I felt like I was losing any ground in my healing process. And so the Lord really showed me I'm going to have to come up with this battle plan, because this is a new part of my life. This is one thing, too. I kept thinking healing meant I was going to go back to the way I was before. But what he showed me is, no, I'm a different person now. So I have to learn to live in this new normal. So if I need to learn to live in this new normal, then I needed to figure out what are some things that are causing me to get off balance. And one of the things was I had to learn to be grateful there's something always to be grateful for. You can be grateful even in the sound of the birds, the beauty around you, in the memories I had with Nicole, I was blessed to have other kids. So I had a lot of things that I could be grateful for that there are so many. And even in the very basic thing, I could be grateful for my salvation, that I am going to see the Lord, and I'm going to see Nicole and my parents and others who have gone before us. So that was a really important thing, was to count my blessings, to be grateful. And then when I was grateful, that gratitude anchored me to being in the present. I had to be in the present to live now, because I think that we all have, while we're waiting, so we're here, so we have a purpose, right? So while I'm here, what is it that the Lord wants me to do today? Because if I can have that gratitude and be anchored to the present, then I can do the business that he's called me to do today, because I don't want to miss what he is putting in front of me right now. So be grateful, live in the present, and then love and let go. I think for me, the third thing is love and let go. I did have expectations that I wanted everyone else to just live fully and enjoy life the way Nicole did. And I had these expectations. I had that control thing, because I thought if I could control the way other people were living, that's not really even just. I wanted to protect them. But what I learned is, by doing that again, I'm all clenched up, and the Lord was going, just love them and let me do my work in them individually because he was working in me. Who am I to say that I know just because I want to control it? And I have opinions about how their growth should be, or whatever the case is, even how their emotional healing through the grieving process should be. Everybody grieves differently, and everybody. God created us so individually unique. Why wouldn't we grieve in those unique ways as well? So I had to just love my family members, my friends, the people that he had put around us, and let them be able to let them go to him. And those three things. It sounds super simplistic, but when I was in the depths of grief, I had to really come down to some very basic things, okay, have I done this? Have I had gratitude? Am I living in the present? And, okay, am I letting go of what I can't control, of what God isn't calling me to hold on to?

Jill Sullivan
Yeah, well, those three things, that's a very practical list.

Kim
I need practical.

Jill Sullivan
Yeah, well, and I think we all do, as grieving parents have gratitude, live in the present and love and let go. I'm writing those down for myself so that I'll remember them. And you mentioned live in the present. That's one of the things that you said about Nicole as you were talking about her right at the beginning of our conversation, is how she really lived in the present. So she must have taught you that in her life.

Kim
Isn't it amazing how our kids can teach us? Yes, by their examples.

Jill Sullivan
Exactly. Yeah. We learn so much from them. So I believe that all of us who have lost a child have this very sharp dividing line in our lives. Kind of like an know. There's the before and the after. Talk about the before Kim and the.

Kim
I completely agree with you. There is just this chasm in between where we are different and some of those things. I definitely the before Kim, I was more circumstantial and I had more of a comfort theology. I looked for comfort on this earth a lot more. And all of us, I mean, who doesn't like to be comforted? But we recognize the after. Kim recognizes that this world is full of trouble. Scripture tells us this world is hard. But I cannot allow the circumstances of my life to dictate my joy, to dictate my hope, to dictate my perspective of who God is. I cannot allow those things to change me in that way. The after Kim is a little more raw because I do think us parents who have lost a child, we walk with a limp. We always will carry that around in us. And that's okay, because that's a testament to God's healing. And that's okay. Where the old Kim, I didn't walk with a limp. I didn't think I should ever walk with a limp because I thought that that's for other people, not for me. I recognize that when you've experienced especially child loss and just, it takes part of you, it takes part of your heart, and that's okay. But to recognize that, yes, we are different. We are going to walk in a little bit different way, and we're going to maybe see life in more of a fragile way. To understand the fragility of life and then savor that. Yeah, I like how you those opportunities.

Jill Sullivan
And savor that because that is a little bit of a gift. It's kind of a difficult gift, but there is a gift in recognizing the fragility of life.

Kim
Yes.

Jill Sullivan
What have you learned about the character of God in this process.

Kim
Oh, what a great question. I love that question. Before, again, circumstantial keeps popping into my mind. My faith was very circumstantial. But what I have learned about the character of God is that he did not turn away from me in my pain. Oh, I just love that he collects our tears in his bottle. I love that he in my pain and even sometimes in my ugliness with my pain. He didn't turn away from me. In my questions of why and my anger towards him, he didn't turn away from me. And I really feel like he literally scooped up my face to look at him and just say, look at me, daughter. I'm here. I'm walking with you. I'm not leaving you. Even when I was ugly, in my pain, he didn't turn away and he kept, he is so faithful and so loving. Yes, he is just all of those things. But in our pain, he doesn't walk away from us. And when we can't walk, he picks us up and he carries us. He scoops us up. So I think that is such a beautiful thing that he has taught me.

Jill Sullivan
Yes. Oh, I love that. I love that picture of him scooping us up. I love the picture of him putting his hands on your face and calling you daughter. That's just a picture of who our God is. As we're talking today, I can't help but think about the sovereignty of God in our lives. For those that have been listening to the podcast for a while, many of the listeners are aware that my husband just had a very serious ATV accident. His is different in that he was driving the ATV down a road on his way to go duck hunting, and a deer ran out in front of the ATV and they're going full steam, headed to the duck blind, and he ended up very severely injured with injuries that could easily have taken his life. So here I am talking to a mom whose daughter was in an ATV accident that did take her. You know, we already had this interview scheduled before Brad's accident, so it's just really remarkable that you and I are talking today, so soon as we're still kind of dealing with the after effects of his accident, all of that, just to say that God is sovereign and that we can trust him whatever the circumstance. I look at why did our 17 year old daughter die of cancer and yet my 57 year old husband survived an ATV wreck? Why did he survive his wreck and Nicole did not? I don't know if you have more to add to that conversation or those thoughts, I welcome you to do so.

Kim
I really think that that is such a good point to bring up, because the sovereignty of God is part of. I think recognizing that has been part of my healing in the early days. I may have been. I hate to even say it, but bitter, like, okay, Lord, why did you heal? Why did you heal that one and not Nicole? Because we know that he can. I never doubted that he could. However, it's also in that big picture of him, that big picture of who he is and being able to trust him. And it doesn't happen overnight, but to be able to just trust his sovereignty that he does have a plan. And even just being able, that contrast of how his earthly life was spared. And Hannah went ahead. She went ahead of you. And even to be able to recognize that he has a plan and to be able to embrace that, I think also is part of that brings the healing and the eternal perspective to it. It's a difficult question, but I completely believe he has a plan for each one of us as long as we're here. And then the day that we go to be home with him, that was our day. That was the day he marked in his book there's nothing. Because one of the things that happens, I think, in grief is we think my husband calls it the shoulda, coulda, would have. I shouldn't have encouraged Nicole to go on the, you know, you could even say, oh, Brad shouldn't know. Been duck hunting. I wish he hadn't gone duck hunting or whatever. We always think that we could control those things, but we can't. And those days, our days are written in the Lord's book. And so when that day is, no matter what I would have done that day had we not even gone to Pismo Beach, I still believe Nicole would have gone to be with Jesus.

Jill Sullivan
Yes.

Kim
I don't know how that works, but I do believe that that's true.

Jill Sullivan
Yes.

Kim
So he has a plan for each day for us on this earth.

Jill Sullivan
And there's comfort in that. It's not just some random accident of the universe that these things happen, but God is in control over all of these things. And to me, that's a comfort. It's been a little over 25 years now since Nicole went to heaven. In that time, have you seen a difference in how our society views grief, particularly the grief of child loss?

Kim
I do. I believe our society does not want to look at grief. They want to turn their heads. We all do, because we all have a little bit of that comfort theology. But the society doesn't want to talk about grief or to embrace the parent who is grieving. I do see that a lot, and especially now, as there is so many with video games and different things, it has desensitized our society and our culture. And I think with that desensitizing, I think it also has made it where they don't want to look at the sorrow part, because in a video game, you pop back up and they don't want to recognize just that this is a life changing, life altering part for a parent. And so I do see that. I think that in older cultures, I think we were taught to embrace our grief, to walk through that grief, that sorrow was just a part of our lives. But I think society now, our culture does not allow us that time or that space to just be sorrowful and just be sad. And that's not biblical. That's part of the way the Lord has created us. And I think that that's part of it. And then in church culture, I do feel like, in a lot of ways, church culture is like, well, they're in heaven now, and so look to heaven. And that is so true. That is so true. But when you're a hurting mama, it has comfort in me since. But when you're a hurting mama, you just want your kid back. That's right. And especially in the early days. So I think to be able to recognize, yes, we grieve. Thessalonians talks about that again, we grieve, but we grieve with hope, and there's beauty in that. But I do think you have to just allow hurting parents to just be hurting, allow them to say and talk and talk about their child. A lot of people don't want to say Nicole's name because they don't want to bring up something painful. I want to hear her name. I want to hear, and I know. I believe you are the same with know just saying their name and talking about their precious, beautiful.

Jill Sullivan
Yeah, yeah. Every bereaved parent I know feels that way. They still want to hear their child's name. They still want to have the opportunity to talk about our children. And like you said, our society doesn't really allow for that. I think society moves so quickly nowadays. Everything moves quickly, and so we should be over our grief quickly, and it doesn't work that way, because even at 25 years down the road, you still grieve Nicole every day. I am sure I do.

Kim
Yeah, I do. It's not as sharp.

Jill Sullivan
Right.

Kim
But there's days I just miss her so much. I recently got a horse of my own.

Jill Sullivan
Oh, nice.

Kim
And it took me a long time because I didn't want to just get a horse because Nicole loved horses. I wanted to really examine my motives and make sure, but I really felt like the Lord was saying, this is something you can do. But sometimes when I'm out there with that horse, I just miss her so much. I wish I could ask her a question. How did you handle that when your horse did such and such? So I do miss her every day. I wish she could see her little nieces and nephews. She would be the best aunt ever. So it's not as sharp, but it's still there.

Jill Sullivan
Yeah, absolutely. So if people wanted to get a copy of your book, Victorious Heart, where could they get a copy?

Kim
It's sold wherever books are sold. It's on. Amazon is usually the easiest place to get it. I also have a link on my website. I had the opportunity last year to record it on Audible. I think that that's going to be a really good tool for people who, it's hard with concentration sometimes to read or find the time to do that. So to listen, I think that it's going to be a very powerful tool. So on my website or on Amazon, any of those places.

Jill Sullivan
I will put links to those in the show notes to everywhere that your book can be found. Because again, I read it and I found it very helpful. Even at as many years out as I am now, it was very practical. The first few chapters are very much about your experience and kind of what you went through with that. And then the latter chapters are just dealing with a lot of the things that we've talked about in our conversation today. And each chapter ends with a little thing that says grief notes and then even suggestions for how people can help others who are grieving. So I found it very helpful, and I'll include that in our show notes. And your book will be in our library here at our While We're Waiting refuge as well, so people can take a look at it while they're here for retreats. But finally, there's always a question I like to ask as we're closing. Has music been helpful to you on your grief journey? And if so, what is on your playlist?

Kim
Oh, such a great question. At first, music was very difficult for me because my heart was so. Just torn open. But over time, depending on what season I'm in, music has been so powerful. Sometimes I actually need kind of a rowdy song, just like a war cry, like oh, I'm not giving in. I'm not going to do have. There was a song we played at Nicole's service and it's called One of These Days. And it's an oldie. It's by FFH. Such a good song because it just talks about the future. One of these days we're going to be there. And so that's a really encouraging song to me. And one of my latest songs that I love is called Canyons by Corey Asbury. And it's just talking about God's love for us. And so it depends now music, it depends on the situation, but I always have music going and depending on my mood, I just think that music goes right to our heart. So what a great question.

Jill Sullivan
Yeah, absolutely. I always like to hear get some ideas for some new songs maybe, and those that are listening as well. Well, we've had a great conversation. I have so enjoyed getting to know you. Is there anything else you'd like to share before we wrap up today?

Kim
I think just to know if you are walking, especially in the first few steps of grief and you feel like you're not going to make it, that you're not going to survive, I just want to encourage your listeners that you will survive. And I believe God is going to bring beauty and not only just surviving, but being victorious. I really feel like he is going to bring victory in your sorrow and that you are going to make it. Just take one step at a time.

Jill Sullivan
That's a perfect way to end. Thank you so much, Kim, for visiting with me today.

Kim
Thank you for having me, Jill, it's been a pleasure. I just feel like I have another little sister now.